Childhood was NOT the Problem

Let me say this clearly. I had a good childhood. A loving one. 

Vacations. Dance parties. Reading time. Movie nights. Crafting. Cousins next door. Too many toys. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t neglected. I wasn’t miserable. Religion wasn’t forced on me. If we went to church, I would tag along with a relative. We said prayers at night. We had Christmas. I wasn’t overthinking theology. I was a kid. I was safe. I was loved. That’s important.

The friction didn’t start until I became an adult. Until I had opinions. 

Somewhere along the way, my dad got deeply religious. I respect that it’s his. I just don’t share it. And when I finally felt old enough to say that out loud, it didn’t land well. I don’t even know what label fits me. Atheist, maybe. Around here, that word doesn’t mean neutral. It means wrong.

I have two tiny tattoos. I forget they’re there half the time. The shame I felt getting them was bigger than the tattoos themselves. Not because I thought I’d be disowned. I just didn’t want the lecture. The guilt. The disappointment disguised as concern.

That’s when I started noticing the pattern. I was raised to think for myself. And I was supported when my thinking aligned. When it didn’t, it was questioned. Teased. Picked apart. Different music. Different humor. Different perspectives. Nothing dangerous. Just different. It is fucking exhausting to constantly justify harmless preferences.

After a while, you stop. You get quieter. You edit yourself. You shrink. It took moving out for me to realize that isn’t normal. You’re supposed to trust yourself. You’re supposed to make choices without feeling like you’re betraying someone’s expectations. When you’re second-guessed long enough, you start second-guessing yourself. That’s the part I’m still undoing.

I keep telling you it’s okay to choose yourself. I say it loudly because I’m still learning how to do it without guilt. There’s still a little girl in me who thinks her family’s preferences are the correct ones. That disagreement equals disrespect. That peace is earned by blending in. I’m unlearning that.

I’m not becoming someone new. I’m just not shrinking anymore.