Confidence

For most of my adult life, confidence wasn't really a thing.

When I was at my heaviest, I felt horrible. My body was hard to drag around, and I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm not going to pretend it wasn't my fault. Yeah, I can break down the psychology behind it all day long. I understand the why. But ultimately, I was the one in control.

One day, I finally decided enough was enough. I put down the fork, picked up the activity, and started taking better care of myself. Counting calories, eating a LOT of protein, drinking a LOT of water, and moving my body really was the simplest path for me. I'm not someone who's going to happily eat vegetables all day long, so supplements have helped fill in some gaps too. (Ask your doctor. I'm literally just a girl.)

As the weight started coming off, something else started happening too. I started believing in myself again. Not because I suddenly loved what I saw in the mirror... I didn't. I'm still fat. People still have opinions about my body. The difference is that my opinion is finally starting to matter more.

Around that same time, I retreated. BIG TIME. Am I proud of that? Nah. But I was in survival mode. I needed space to work on me before I could keep showing up for everyone else.

I've always been the life of the party. I've always been everyone's safe space. I loved making people laugh. I loved being the person everyone could count on. What I never realized was that I wasn't really showing anyone who I truly was. Then I hit post.

The hate comments still sting; I'd be lying if I said they didn't. But it gets a little easier to bear with each honest post. every time I write a story, post a TikTok, upload a YouTube video, or share one of the weird little thoughts floating around in my head, I learn something new about myself.

I think I'm gonna have a lot of fun being me.