Cravings Demon

I woke up the other night asking for a funnel cake. A funnel cake. Like… who the hell even thinks about funnel cakes on a random Tuesday at 10 p.m.? I haven’t thought about those since the last time I got tricked into a county fair, sweating through my shirt and regretting every life choice, but suddenly my whole body was like “Get thee to the fried dough NOW.”

And that’s the thing about cravings — they’re not really yours. They’re little squatters that break into your brain and start barking orders. It’s not “me” wanting funnel cake, it’s some relentless voice that crawled out of the void and hissed, “you will not rest until you cover your face in powdered sugar like a Victorian ghost child.” It’s possession. Pure and simple.

And the cravings are never, like, sexy or cool. It’s never, “Wow, I really want fresh fruit and hydration.” No. It’s always garbage. Gas station soft pretzels that taste like melted salt bricks. Spaghettios you haven’t looked at since 3rd grade. Circus peanuts that taste like sadness and insulation foam. Sometimes it’s pizza at 9 a.m. Sometimes it’s an Eggo waffle eaten cold over the sink like you’re in a divorce montage. And somehow, somehow, it always feels life or death.

And let’s be real: you can’t just fix a funnel cake craving. Where am I supposed to casually buy one? The carnival isn’t in town, and I sure as hell am not making it myself. Can you imagine the destruction I’d cause if I actually learned to make funnel cakes at home? Powdered sugar on every surface, fried dough at 2 a.m., me just spiraling into deep-fried chaos. No thanks. That’s the kind of power no one should hand me.

Call it addiction to sugar, call it a glitch in the matrix, call it nature’s sick little prank. Whatever it is, cravings are not suggestions. They show up, kick down the door, demand an audience, and ruin your whole day until you comply. Honestly, I’m convinced they’re their own species. Parasites. Little craving-goblins riding shotgun in our skulls. And we’re just their pathetic Uber Eats drivers.