Hide & Post

I learned something important this week: kids cannot hear a single word you say unless it is something they are absolutely not supposed to hear. But the second I lower my voice. The second I open my phone. The second I need one minute of quiet to post something I don’t want tiny ears clocking, they appear… A united front.

I wasn’t asking for much, and I wasn’t trying to escape them. I just needed to hit post, which required a brief pocket of quiet and exactly zero interruptions. This was auntie business, adult business, the kind of thing that does not require commentary.

I genuinely did not think that needing a minute to myself qualified as an unreasonable request - I made a decision and I didn’t explain it. I don’t negotiate with terrorists. I simply initiated a game of hide and seek and removed myself from the situation the moment their attention shifted, trusting that the basic rules of childhood games would buy me a sliver of peace.

I chose the walk-in closet. It was a good choice. Spacious. Packed with dress-up clothes. Plenty of room to disappear without even a toe giving me away. I climbed in deep, buried under princess gowns- confident I had bought myself some time. I hadn’t even gotten comfortable yet…

They found me. “GREAT JOB KIDS! YOU FOUND ME SO FAST!”- ugh. She sees my phone and asked, “Can I click post?” No. No, you absolutely cannot. At three, the bitch can already read. Zero privacy.

I am fully convinced these kids are spies. They do not hear instructions, requests, or their own names being called at a reasonable volume from three feet away, yet somehow they possess an unmatched ability to detect the exact moment I attempt privacy. Their mission is Auntie Kate; everything else appears to be background noise. Hide and seek is not a game in that house. It is reconnaissance.

Once you’ve been flagged as the target… They will find you.