The Loneliness of Finding Myself

I healed myself into isolation

I started Auntie Unfiltered because I felt like I NEEDED to get my voice out there. I wanted to write, tell my stories, and find people who connected with them.

What they don’t tell you is that if you want people to find your writing, you also have to do social media. I have no idea how to do that part. I’ve always been a lurker, watching other people’s content and cheering them on in the comments. Now I’m listening to every tip, taking paid classes about TikTok and social media, and doing all the things I’ve been taught. And I’m fighting tooth and nail to get 100 views.

I’m tired. It feels like it’s going nowhere. Somehow, trying this hard to get my voice out there has made it feel even more suppressed.

I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD.

A huge part of me wants to start over. I’ve sort of already started by cutting the Auntie Unfiltered TikTok page down to the big things and the Auntie-hood things. Maybe I’ll cut it down even more and use it just for the website stuff. I don’t know. I’m so lost again.

Humans are more connected than ever, and yet I don’t feel connected to many people. I don’t feel like I have a community or a trusty friend group. I used to have family to turn to, and I still do, but since my eyes opened to some of the bullshit, that feels exhausting too.

Except my sister. She is/was/will always be my best friend. We’re around each other all the time, but with the kids, even having a conversation together is nearly impossible. We don’t feel as connected as we used to. It’s nobody’s fault. Just one of the sad parts of growing up.

And I truly don’t understand why I can’t find my people. When you’re in my circle, I’m loyal to a fault. I just can’t find anyone like-minded. At least not anyone local enough to actually hang out. Maybe I’m more unique than I thought. Maybe there’s something wrong with me at my core. Whatever it is, it’s starting to not feel good again. That feeling scares me. I don’t want to go back to that dark place. I worked so hard to claw my way out...

Healing myself has been so so lonely (thank goodness for my husband, Mocha). That’s the weirdest part. I finally felt like me. Liberated, strong, ready to take on the world. But I had isolated myself from much of the world I was used to.

I didn’t intend to push anyone away. I just stopped going to things I dreaded, things that drained me, or places where I didn’t feel comfortable. I used to get headaches or feel sick when it was time to go somewhere, and I finally realized that was what anxiety felt like for me. So I started saying no.

I finally feel more like myself. I just don’t know where I fit anymore.